Jul. 15, 2004

Should, should, should.

And so it begins.

Okay, so here is the situation. The Boy and I have been living together for... two and a half years. I gave my virginity to The Boy, which, whether I like it or not adds a certain amount of emotional baggage I�m not really aware of, being that I�m of the Mormon variety. The Boy and I have been more or less long distance for the last year and a half.

It gets a little complicated now: we live together in New York City. Only I was on tour last year, then I came to Los Angeles, then I traveled back and forth almost every week and finally came to LA full time in October and he came out full time temporarily from May to September. Got it?

The point is, the lease is up in NYC Oct. 1, we�re out of the place in LA Sept. 1. We�ve got to figure out where the heck we�re going to go.

I�ve got to figure out where I�m going to go.

And the problem is, after a talk with The Best Friend I realized that what I need to do for myself is stay in LA. Telling The Boy is a whole other deal.�A scary deal.�That I don�t want to face, so much.

It�s embarrassing when I�m not only being cowardly, but aware of my cowardice.

I feel like I�ll let him down. Like I�m dooming us to either an indeterminate future of long distance or just breaking up. And I�ve tried to break up with The Boy three times before. He won�t let me. Not until I have a good reason.

Yeah, I don�t have one yet. But I do know that I don�t want to do anymore long distance, and I don�t think moving back to New York is the right thing for me.

It should be simpler.

I shouldn�t be scared.

Should, should, should.

Rachel fluttered @ 8:08 pm