Jul. 15, 2004

Should, should, should.

And so it begins.

Okay, so here is the situation. The Boy and I have been living together for... two and a half years. I gave my virginity to The Boy, which, whether I like it or not adds a certain amount of emotional baggage Iím not really aware of, being that Iím of the Mormon variety. The Boy and I have been more or less long distance for the last year and a half.

It gets a little complicated now: we live together in New York City. Only I was on tour last year, then I came to Los Angeles, then I traveled back and forth almost every week and finally came to LA full time in October and he came out full time temporarily from May to September. Got it?

The point is, the lease is up in NYC Oct. 1, weíre out of the place in LA Sept. 1. Weíve got to figure out where the heck weíre going to go.

Iíve got to figure out where Iím going to go.

And the problem is, after a talk with The Best Friend I realized that what I need to do for myself is stay in LA. Telling The Boy is a whole other deal.óA scary deal.óThat I donít want to face, so much.

Itís embarrassing when Iím not only being cowardly, but aware of my cowardice.

I feel like Iíll let him down. Like Iím dooming us to either an indeterminate future of long distance or just breaking up. And Iíve tried to break up with The Boy three times before. He wonít let me. Not until I have a good reason.

Yeah, I donít have one yet. But I do know that I donít want to do anymore long distance, and I donít think moving back to New York is the right thing for me.

It should be simpler.

I shouldnít be scared.

Should, should, should.