Jul. 28, 2004

Curdled Milk

I don't want to do this anymore.

It's like curdled milk. Definitively over and unfixable.

I'm so unhappy that The Boy is coming home today, that he's coming in early, that I have to see him. The thought of sleeping next to him makes me cringe. I'm full of trepidation and unrest just thinking of seeing him. This is not guilt for what I've done. This is being Done with being in this relationship.

And it's unfair, because nothing is wrong. He's doing everything right, I just don't want it anymore. REALLY don't want it anymore. Want to not act like I want it anymore. Want to walk away right now.

I don't know if it's the excitement of remembering what it's like to be attracted to someone or the unadulterated joy of having a house to myself or finally facing this summer deadline for moving or if the expiration date has just finally come. And the truth is, I don't care. In fact it feels good to know how I feel.

The last time I broke up with The Boy it was because I knew I didn't see a long term future and didn't want to waste his time or mine by extension. But I was focused on him and couldn't sufficiently explain why I was breaking up with him.

Now, it's easy. I'm not in love. I don't want to be in a relationship. There will be no convincing me to come back, no tears will stop this. It's just over.

Of course tonight his show (which is brilliant by the way) airs on UPN at 8pm and I have to go to the viewing party and play nice. I have to figure out how to do this. When. Where.

This is really the trouble with living together. If we lived separately I would just ask him to meet me tomorrow and break the news and it would be over. But this involves moving out- and I have stuff stored in his parents basement in Connecticut. And my mom and sister want to come visit next week.

It's just messier this way. No swift tearing off of the band aid. Or as it feels now, the duct tape off the mouth.

Today one of my co-stars, a mouthy, loud, opinionated, somewhat obnoxious man in his sixties, said "it's got to be some kind of man to handle you." And you know what? I haven't felt like that woman in so long. When did I start feeling it again? Last night when this epiphany began.

I miss that part of me. I miss that power. I need to be single for a while and just feel that. It feels amazing!

I am breaking up with The Boy. I am going to find a place of my own in LA. I am individuating myself. Wow it is about time.

Oh, and by the way, there is no plan or delusion to begin any kind of relationship with The Affair- not even interested in taking it that far. More like friends that f*@%. (I'm still too "nice" to print those words for anyone other than myself... maybe soon) And no, Spunky it is not who you think. It's worse, it's a cliche. It's the guy I hook up with in the film. I'm totally that girl this week. Ouch.

So,

Any suggestions? How does one break up with an entire family? Leave the man you're living with? Collect belongings from 20 states away?

Because, this has to happen now. Sooner rather than later. Because I cannot walk around with this queasy feeling for long. If it were feasable I'd pack up all my stuff and take it to Gabe's house and go right back to his couch tonight. Thank goodness for good friends with comfortable couches.

Rachel fluttered @ 6:28 pm