Jul. 22, 2004

Cheater Cheater Pumkin Eater

Iím a cheater.

I am a bold faced, cold hearted, betrayer of womenís values cheater. If I felt guilty it would probably help me stop. But some how I donít and I never have. I say never. Not this time or the last time when I cheated on The Boy. Not when I cheated on The Engineer I planned on marrying. Not when I cheated on The High School Sweetheart. Not when I cheated with The Married AssholeÖ

I am a serial monogamist and a cheater. Iím an ideal girlfriend, low maintenence, likes sports, cleans the house. Oh, and also, when Iím overwhelmingly attracted to someone who is essentially diametrically opposed to you, I have sex with them. I guess ideal might be a strong term.

Women are not supposed to cheat. Weíre supposed be the ones who get it right. Weíre supposed to know better.

Yeah, Iím so not that girl.

Itís not as if I donít know I shouldnít. That I donít know itís wrong, know that I should feel guilty. Except that it felt so good to be in the moment. To be wanted for that moment right then, not some idea of me. To want someone myself.

Which of course is horrible because I have someone who loves me. Actually loves me. Takes care of me, listens to me, makes it easy to be a team, uses the word ďteam.Ē All the impossible things, the things that girls are looking for, I got easily with The Boy. He asked me to leave a toothbrush and clothes at his house, we moved in together without a big discussion or argument. I adore his family and they love me. My sister confides in him. He listens to me. He, I donít know, heís great.

And Iím kind of done. Iíve wanted out intermittently for over a year. Iíve broken up with him three times. It didnít take.

I want to date. I want to flirt and feel free to see someone new.

If I wasnít on my period I would have had sex last night standing up, pinned to the back of my car, outside on a strange street, in public. It was so intensely hot. As it was, with just his hand and my clothes on I got closer to coming than I have in months, I was so much more aroused than I have been in ages. ÖAnd he got a hand job that became a blow job. And I loved giving it. Loved it. What are you gonna do?

We spent half of the evening talking about our respective partners and how they both wanted a bit more than. She had offered him the marriage ultimatum, The Boy, well, the boy is scared to progress (though, lets be honest, not as scared as I am) and unwilling to change whatís happening right now.

And for every girl whoís ever been cheated on, this is important to know: I still love him. I always have. And somehow, someway I canít explain, it doesnít keep me from wanting to have sex with any of a number of boys.

Iíve left one of those behind, one I never started so as to not be tempted, and oneÖ well, I havenít called yet today, but I probably will.

Also, just as a side note, a guy strong enough and short enough to hold me up against the wall to have sex is refreshing and novel and really, really what Iíve been waiting for.

And hereís the other thing. Thereís not a question of this being a long term thing. I donít even want that. But I do like it right now.

Look, I guess what Iím saying is: If someone has cheated once, they will very likely cheat again. If you were the one they left someone else for they will probably leave you. If that is a problem for you Donít Get Involved. But if you want some quality sex in the short termÖ hey, itís not all bad.

...

Okay, and here's the problem with Diaryland, I'm so torn. Do I present a cautionary tale or all the gritty details. Because, let me just say- both desires are speaking up wanting to be heard.