Jul. 18, 2004


See, now this is what I've been missing.

I've been on the brink of depression for... I don't know, a while now. And not really the kind that I could feel, more like I could recognize the symptoms. But right now I feel amazing. Right now I feel like my old self. I don't want to say "my real self" but at least like someone I recognize. And why, you ask? I went to a go cart track tonight.

I let loose and drove too fast and beat the hell out of the boys at drag racing and bumped cars and had such and adrenaline rushing couple of hours. We went ghetto and had a ton of food at Red Lobster and raced our asses off at the Speed Zone, a ridiculous place that I can't believe stays open in this Southern California litigious society. (It is so intensely dangerous for the employees! not to mention the obvious hazard for attendees)

But I Played. As in "let's go play" as in "I played with my best friend today" as in "I put on my play clothes." As in I played like a little kid. The refrain for me all night was, "I feel like I'm eleven!" And the truth is, I'm not sure I ever let this loose when I was eleven (I was a fairly serious kid.)

I felt a similar kind of elation after a particularly good day of auditions recently. I mean I felt Amazing. It was like I suddenly remembered why I do all this stuff I do. But more than that, it was like I re-experienced that moment of decision. That, "this is really the only thing I want to do with my life" moment.

I have no problem with ambition, in fact people without it confuse and frustrate me. But I think I let my ambition get in the way of my ability to have fun. I remember this ephiphany from college. I suddenly learned how to Play and I wondered how I had missed it for so long. Well, I think I learned it again tonight. Playing is active. Playing involves others. Playing is challenging. Playing is unselfconcious. Playing is passionate. Playing is Not Serious.

It just might be dangerous to forget how to play. As for me, I'm setting new goals. I'm going to schedule my work time more concretely and schedule in a little play time too. Some structured freedom.

Maybe I'll join a kickball league. Or learn to play tennis. Or go build sand castles... As long as I have to take off my school clothes and put on my play clothes to do it, it just might be right for me to try.